The strong willed child.

Is killing me slowly. Big has started to think that he's the boss. He's saying no, threatening to spank us, disobeying and just generally being a stinkbug. I told the Father tonight that we are going to have to break him like a wild stallion. And I was serious.

I figure if we let it go now, there will be no turning back when he's 12, my height and a total preteen butthole. So tonight, he threw a wall-eyed fit because he wanted MOMMY to read his book. Well tough noogies, dude. You don't make the book reading rules. It took me 10 minutes to get him to choose from the following. 1. Be nice to Daddy... Or 2. Get a spanking and go to bed. Wow, super hard choice, I know!! But he FINALLY decided being nice to Daddy would not kill him.

Then, like I flipped off the evil switch, he was back to being a giggling, high-fiving, kissy kissy three-year-old. The one that holds 1/3 of my heart. He flipped just in time because I had just googled "toddler boarding school". Oy.

Go away sickness!!

Now the Father, Little and Middle are sick. I luckily started to feel human today after the antibiotics took over the strep. I was excited to get a break... nope. They are all THREE moaning, clinging, whining angels. Yeah, angels.

Please excuse me while I go jump off of a cliff.

I can't see anyfing.

Big's wise words after he turned off all of the lights. Ha! That was totally a cause and effect that taught a lesson. He had a flashlight and kept saying he wanted to turn off the lights and tell "spooky stories." I finally agreed but he forgot to turn ON the flashlight... So we sat for about three minutes in the dark until he figured out his to get it turned on. Never a dull moment.

He also decided to be a big boy and put his undies on all by himself today. They are rockin' backwards and with the legs through one leg hole and the waistband. It's full on crack-overload. I gave him a much deserved high five. Them I questioned my job as a mom for not switching them around. Seriously though, let's face it... He can accidentally pee on the leg just as easily as he can pee in the crotch, right?

Yep, that was my conclusion, too. It didn't really matter. He was already in trouble for taking a cup to the bathroom to pee IN ... Because as he said, "I can!" That cup is not longer for daily use. I'm saving it for door-to-door salesmen, cause that's how we roll around these parts.

Bee Rolls and Beer.

Big told me all day that we needed to get more Bee Rolls. We spent forever trying to figure out what he meant. We asked him to repeat himself, slow down, etc. this caused him to get highly agitated, which only made the situation worse.

I began running all of the previous events through my head to make a connection. Toys, cartoons, foods... And then it hit me!! He means HONEY BUNS! I asked him if he wanted more honey buns and after looking at me with his stink eye, he said, "that's what I've been trying to tell you!" Okie dokie. Bee rolls, added to the shopping list.

Which brings me to my second story: beer. Big comes running in the play room with a virtually empty Pepsi Max can today. He proudly proclaimed that he was going to "drink all of Daddy's beer!" I laughed. Nana broke her neck making sure he wasn't really holding a beer. So, do I tell him it really is beer and then when he's 16 and brings "beer" to his first hang out, he gets a rude awakening? Or do we just go with it for now? Either way, I just know he's going to tell someone in public that he loves to drink Daddy's beer. We're screwed no matter what.

Strep Throat=Baby Magnet.

My three spawn are typically as independent as a hog on ice. They never want to be held and loved for more than a minute at a time. That is until today when I was diagnosed with strep and told to have minimal contact with them.

They cried, fretted and threw fits all day to be held by ME. Not Daddy. Not Nana. Only me. Typically this is endearing, today, as I envision a house full of children who can't swallow... Not so much.

Here I am, feeling like I had a bad initiation into the sword swallowing guild and I have three children attached to my hip. At one point, the twins both sat on my lap for over 30 minutes just to be rocked. I was too tired to even enjoy their cuteness.

The doctor at the walk-in clinic asked if I could be pregnant and what I was using at birth control. I don't know why I still find that question funny. I'm proud of myself, though... I appropriately said "tubal" when I wanted to say the universe. Because really, there are so many fertility issues with this body, it's obviously tied to universal force fields that have not yet been discovered.

The little things:)

I smile every time I go to use our spa tub. I mean, really... How many adults get to play with a submarine, 3 puffer fish, Captain Hook, an octopus, Noah's Ark, Finn McMissile the watercraft, a yet-to-be-identified fish and two sea divers?

Not many. It only takes 5 minutes to gather all of Noah's animals and all of the sea life. Then I get to start on the rest. By the time I've organized the toys into their tub side piles, I'm usually too exhausted to actually run the water. I've tried just lying in the dry tub with all of the toys, but they poke me in all of the wrong places and I never come out smelling nice.

I'm sure it's not REALLY relaxing anyway, right?

No snow day.

Just a "get your arse to work in the sheet of ice" day. It sucked. Granted, I wasn't doing a weather dance, but I think driving in ice is stoooopid and I was that person today.

Anyway, all is well and my children are still nuts.

Big has started saying, "I don't fink so!" At EVERY THING.

That answer is beyond obnoxious. OBNOXIOUS.

Do you need to potty? IDFS
What do you want for snack? IDFS
Did you hit your brother? IDFS
Can you STOP saying that? IDFS

No longer cute. The gypsies don't come by our house any more. The return to sender tag is worn off, the warranty is expired and the record is broken. I guess I'm stuck hearing IDFS until he's big enough to say an even more obnoxious phrase. I'm scared at the idea of what that might be.

Then again, as I wrote that I just witnessed him trying to stick his head IN the back of his Father's underwear. Maybe IDFS isn't the worst thing he can do or say, eh?

I'm taking a future snow day.

Just in case we actually ARE in school tomorrow, I taking my snow day tonight. Playing with my kids. Finishing my daily blog post. Stay warm and safe!!

Three words that induce vomiting.

It happened. OH EM GEE... It finally happened. My child ate something so vile, it's hard for me to type about.

Earlier today Big had a large booger. He was picking it and I told him to stop while I grabbed a tissue. I turned away for about 2 seconds and by the time I plucked the tissue from the box, his booger was gone.

I asked him where he put it?! I expected the answer to be: on my shirt, on your shirt, in the carpet, on my brother, on your expensive purse. Those, although obnoxious, are sadly, pretty acceptable in our house.

Instead, he uttered the feared three words: (gag. Cough. Gag again)
His words?! IN MY MOUTH. !!!

OMFG. In his mouth? I asked again, bc I was SURE I had misheard. Nope. I didn't develop a hearing problem. Unfortunately he did just that. Ate a booger. I'm traumatized. There are no words for the level of gross that went all over me.

We talked about it and he has PROMISED me that he will never do it again. What possessed him, I will never understand. Maybe he really is part gremlin like we have suspected. That's the only logical answer I have found. Part gremlin. It comes from the paternal side.

Family Guy.

Parenting Fail. Big has started to request Family Guy. Fab-o. We always watched it when we thought he wasn't paying attention, or when we knew he wouldn't understand it. Them he started laughing. He still laughs at the wrong times, but still. A three year old that can sing the theme song of an adult cartoon, not so great.

It's all the Father's fault. It's his show... And even though he says it's make bonding, I'm thinking it is just laziness and poor planning!

Then again, Big still mainly requests Disney or Sprout, so I suppose we haven't ruined him completely... Yet. He's still living after all this time, so at least we are remembering to feed and water him. And give him sunlight. We will move on to plants and pets soon. That's the natural progression of responsibility for meth heads, so why can't it be for us, too??

Oh yeah, that only works if kids are unplanned "surprises!" Guess that means we don't qualify.

The 'nocs.

Big is infatuated with 'nocs. That's binoculars to those of you without a three year old. He has a scope meant for a gun that he calls his pirate eye and a set of "spy" 'nocs. These, although AWESOME, are not real 'nocs. He knows the difference.

We were in Cabela's today for a stroll and he saw the 'nocs case. He had a conniption fit for a pair. This mean mom just kept on walking. Those 'nocs were value priced for the common man at $399.99. Honestly, at that bargain price, I should have gotten all three boys a pair, right?

Of course, he tried to bargain with me and told me they would help him see fish and deer and bears. I firmly stood my ground. Thankfully, he realized that the 'nocs weren't happening, so he moved his efforts to a much more realistic purchase: A candy apple red, glitter painted, custom Ranger Speed boat. He even told me we could put it in our pool. I didn't have an extra 40k in my purse today, so I told him we would ask daddy and come back for it later. Yeah, later. That line is still working. I'm gonna wear it out until he realizes that it is mom speak for NEVER.

Lazy day!

We did a heap of nothing today and it was wonderful.

All three boys were up at the crack of dawn, so we didn't get to sleep late, no shocker there... But they were pretty good today. Well, Little did start the day getting his thunder thigh caught in the crib rails, but with some elbow grease and a lot of squealing, it was saved and we didn't even need to use Crisco to get it out!

Middle fell asleep in his high chair at lunch, Big played on his fake cell phone... Talking just like me which is hilarious. "Yeah, okay, sounds good, talk to you later, love you, too, bye!! Ha! At least he's picked up on the cute habit of saying "love you" during every phone call. Hell, everyone knows that I say it so often to family that it slips with friends and the occasional business professional! I would have made a great free-love 70's phone operator.

Well, Big keeps telling us that he stinks and needs a bath. Even though he's already had a bath today...I'm sure we will give in because he's very convincing! (And exceptionally stinky for a small child)

Bedroom routines.

If Middle and Little start requiring a bedtime routine as long as Big does right now, we might as well start it the second we get them up for their afternoon nap. OMG.

Granted, it's our own fault. since he was our first, we didn't give the length of the bedtime ritual NEARLY enough thought. It was fun and cute so we started allowing 2 books, a potty break in between, tooth brushing, clothes changes, usually another potty break and then high fives and kisses.

I can't talk about the added bath nights without getting drowsy. It's loooong. He never wants to get out. I'm always his pick .... So It's even longer for me.

Recently he started the bedtime avoidance fun. Every five seconds he's yelling at me through the monitor.

1. "Mommy! You forgot my pants." Nope, you refused to wear them.
2. "Mommy, you forgot to cover up my Buzz Lightyear." I guess he gets cold.
3. "Mommy, you need to feed my fish again, they're still hungry." Damn Ethiopian fish.
4. "Mommy, I'm scared. Clifford is looking at me." I knew that stuffed animal was possessed.
5. "Mommy, I need< insert asinine inanimate object of play here>." Kill me , now.


The best was tonight's issue..."Mommy! I think I heard my fish poot. He needs the potty.!" Ok, I draw the kind at this request. That fish can poop in it's own potty... Because if he goes to mine, he's going to the big porcelain fish bowl in the sky.

Question for you parents of older kids... When do they start sleeping past the crack of dawn?!?! I hope it's tomorrow.

Happy Love Day!

Single or attached, Happy February 14th! I received a beautiful bouquet of roses, candy, kisses from the small ones and my absolute favorite... A hand stamped necklace with all three boy's names and birthstones. It's beautiful and props to the hubs for ordering it early so it would arrive on time!

And now back to the previously scheduled post. Big is infatuated with covering up and building forts. Well,they aren't really forts, they're more "crazy old man" quilt bunkers. It's hard to breathe and you can't see out. Awesome.

He built a "fort" over my head this evening, like most nights. Both Middle and Little decided to get in on the pile. I couldn't breathe and I playfully yelled, "help, help!" Without missing a beat, Big, in his best schizo voice says, "no one is coming to help you!" I literally laughed out loud. Where does he come up with these things?

Just this morning, I asked him "guess who's coming home tonight?!" He got so excited and yelled, "SANTA CLAUS!" Um, nope. Daddy. The answer was Daddy. At least I know where Santa STILL ranks in the hierarchy of awesome people within our family. I'm waiting for the day that I fall to the Tooth Fairy.

No surprise.

We didn't have a single flake of snow actually stick to anything. The few that fell were washed away by the rain. Stupid meteorologist. That's the best job ever. You can be wrong EVERY DAMN DAY and still get paid. Nice.

In other news, Middle finally has two molars. He has the nasty diapers to prove it. OY. Little is working on them. Poor kid's mouth is so swollen he is beginning to resemble Stewie Griffin. It's sad and frightening.

Good news: The Father returns tomorrow from a week in Omaha. HUZZAH!! I'm thinking I should LEAVE tomorrow for a week anywhere just to show him the love. Then again, I actually like my kids, and think he might let them win and that wouldn't be pretty.

I'm ready for a weekend of relaxing, but just looking around, it's obvious that it will take me all damn weekend just to fold the friggen piles of baby clothes. OMG. The socks multiply and divide, daily. Plus, they're so tiny. It's mind numbing. I swear, I see why dirty old men go sock-less. Shoe stink be damned. It's less laundry, less matching, less drawer space. I think they're on to something.

Let it snow!!!

But preferably only on the sidewalks and grassy spots, not so much on the roads. Enough to stick around so I can take Big sledding tomorrow afternoon, but not enough to cancel school.

Since I'm asking for specifics, can it be at least a foot on those surfaces? Stick around for three days but no longer. I prefer the big pretty flakes to the small rain-ish ones. Also, let's make it slushy enough for good snowballs, but dry enough for good snow ice-cream.

I'm fully expecting zero flakes because they're saying 1-3 inches. Last time we were predicted for 6-8... And got zilch. I'll believe it when I see it.

Just in case, though... We took the nephews home to their mama so that she can deal with the cabin fever if we do actually get anything. I'm nice, but I'm not THAT nice. Of course, Big thinks they're coming over again tomorrow. And here bringing balloons. And he's having a party. And he's getting lots of toys.

I can smell the disappointment from here.

Take 2.

Big's first sleepover lasted two whole hours. Then he decided he would wake up the cousin who was snoring to tell him to be quiet! Not so much.

Anyway, he ended up mauling me, I mean, massaging me all friggen night. It was so awesome- ly terrible. It was similar to sleeping with a pit bull and an octopus, chained to my leg.

We are planning to try it again tonight. I expect the same or worse bc that's my usual luck these days.

In preparation for tonights events...We took the brood to Fun City Pizza to wear them out, but I think it back fired and wore out the adults, and energized the wee ones. Needless to say, we are zombies and the children are acting like crackheads.

It's 8:00 and I see three sets of raccoon eyes through the monitor in Big's room. Let the games begin.

Big's first sleepover.

My two nephews, ages 6 and 8 are sleeping over tonight and if we live to see it, tomorrow night. Big has been so excited about it he has been driving us bonkers.

All three boys are in his new bed and OMG, they are rowdy.

I never thought I would put Bog in timeout for licking, fake pooting, wrestling, spanking and generally tackling an 8 year old, but I did.

The older two loves were in trouble for real pooting, tackles, slapping, jumping on the bed, yelling and my favorite... Putting their fingers in the brother's butt. Yes. That happened more than once. It involved a timeout and lots of laughter. The laughter was mainly from Nana and myself.

This is a good future view if my life in 4 years. I see ER trips, timeouts and lots of laughter. I CAN NOT WAIT!

He doesn't like dogcorns.

That's what Big told us tonight at dinner. "I don't like DogCorns!" This was following my nephew's request for corn dogs for the sleepover dinner. Ha!

He's probably right, I assume that dogcorns would be tough and rubbery.

On another note, the family celebrated an early Valentine's day today since the Father is going on a business trip soon. I received a very cool necklace with the boy's names stamped on it and a birthstone pendant for child child, too. I love it!

I gave the Father a poolside iPhone player and a beer growler voucher, which we used tonight. He's now in bed drinking the stinkiest beer EVER. I did this to myself. Again, slow learner.

I hope everyone who celebrates Love Day gets something nice, and less stinky than German Beer.

Wanted: milk cow for sale or trade

I buy milk weekly. Almost daily. We go through 2-3 gallons of BOTH whole and skim each week. It's disturbing. I figure that the money I save on broken bones is put into the liquid calcium fund.

That amount of milk is on top of water and juice that we have available at all times. I fully expect the boys to start springing leaks out of their skin from the extra hydration.

You know that goes great with milk? 5.98 a container raspberries. That's what. The boys can finish one carton in a snack time... Or following a meal. It doesn't matter when, they can't get enough. I think we need to find a cheaper snack. Fake Cheerios? Great Value Strawberry fields cereal? That's close enough, right?

I offered some cereal to Big. He said, "no, sanks. I want wasbewies." Guess who went to the store and bought FOUR more cartons today? Yep, this sucker. I need a farm. A cow and berry farm.

Calling 911.

Big managed to grab the father's work phone and in less than 30 seconds he pushed a button combination that not only called 911, but put the phone into emergency only mode.

While I got the awesome task of explaining that there wasn't really an emergency to the nice lady, Father tried to switch the phone back to normal use mode... With no luck. He had to reset the whole thing to change the setting back. Nice. We have no clue what Big managed to push.

Okay, warning-stop reading now if feminine products make you uncomfortable.

Still here? Well, now it's your own fault.

So I bought tampons today. I went for my usual brand but accidentally picked up the off brand sitting right next to it. Best choice or something similar.., I need to double check. Anyway, it's a variety pack of light, "normal" and super. WTF is NORMAL? Are my tampons judging me?oh HELL NO. I mean, what amount of lady business is considered "normal"? Who makes this determination? What guy withOUT a vagina decided to slap the word normal on the package? I double checked and there isn't an abnormal one. That must be saved for the first cycle post childbirth, bc there is NOTHING normal about that lovely time in a woman's life. Nothing. Then again, that one is likely labeled "Quentin Tarantino Movie". At least that's what I would name it if I my own brand.

We are ready to sign.

It's national signing day... And I'm wondering when the recruiters will be calling. At the rate my children are growing, they will not fit in school desks by the 6th grade. Instead of Doogie in med school, we are going to have Boomie on the field.

Anyway...The boys have taken to wrestling and pulling hair over anything in sight. They fight daily over Big's child-sized recliner... So we ordered three. Different colors, all personalized as to minimize fighting. I know they can't read yet, but it's a start. Well, it started, alright!! They started fighting once the first box was opened, fought over who sat in the first chair, fought over the cardboard insert, started fighting over who could get inside the box and finally fought over who got to sit their chair next to Nana. It was a very pretty push and shove bonanza of musical chairs.

I friggen brought this on myself. I am a slooooow learner. Very slow. At least the chairs are cute and while the three push each other out of chairs... I can sit in mine without three kids piled on my feet, right? Probably wishful thinking!

Sneak peek of my Post in three weeks: how to repair torn vinyl and how to sell chairs that are personalized with your kid's name.

Pie and pictures.

I read a really great article last night about thinking you're too fat for pictures. I think even my skinny friends have had that beached whale moment in front of a camera. (Please say I haven't dreamed that!). It was basically saying that you can't go back and relive those memories. Forget about the extra 5, or heck, 50 pounds. Take the damn picture! Wow, it was so true and refreshing to read.

I have really tried to make sure that I'm in occasion pictures instead of taking all of them. Some are great, some are back-fat city (OY!) but you know what? My children are smiling in every one. Well, or making odd seizure faces from picture over-load! Either way, I would give anything to have more childhood pictures with my mom. ANYTHING. I cherish the few that I do have.

Reading that article just made me renew my feelings on continuing to take pictures even when I feel like I look terrible. My kids won't see my size, they will see how much fun we had on those days. How much their father and I lived our lives for their every breath. How wanted, loved, and celebrated they were each day from the moment we learned that they were on the way.

Okay, sappy mommy is heading out. Snarky mommy will return tomorrow, following a impromptu play room photo shoot:) and a piece if pie. Skinny pictures, be damned!

Fun with flashlights.

Nana bought the boys all a character flashlight. From Wah-geens, says Big;)

They played in the dark with them from the minute she put batteries in them until we took them away at bedtime. We have a Jake, Cars and Mickey Mouse one. They each have three pictures that you can put on to see a different character. We've already had breakdown tears over a lost pirate picture. I'm betting we have three busted lights and three pissed kids by lunch time tomorrow. Anyone care to place a bet with me?


So Big brings his light into our bed for a few minutes and thinks it's a good idea to eat ritz crackers by "flash light". In bed. Cookie Monster style. WTF? The father is sitting RIGHT beside him and he still managed to Cookie Monster half the sleeve before I came in the room and realized what was happening.

The question is now... Do I sweep the crackers over to the Father's side and pretend I didn't do it, or take the time to change the sheets? Im thinking "Where's the broom?"

It's Super Bowl Sunday.

I'm NOT watching two teams that I could not give any less of a hoot about, play in an over-rated game. Yeah, I know that many people watch for the commercials. I'm SURE that I will see and hear about them plenty in the next few weeks.

Instead of watching football, we have watched bad, made-for-TV movies and Will Farrell flicks all day. Now THAT is my idea of a Super Sunday.

The only OMG moment that really stands out is the Father playing around with Little and putting a pair of undies on Little's head.... They were soiled undies. Fab-o. Otherwise, honestly it's been a low-key day for us. Yes, there's been climbing, licking, pee incidents, nap fiasco fun and a mishap with unattended butt cream. All in all, no stitches, casts, calls to poison control or 911. It's been a stellar day!!

3 may kill us.

That's three, as in the age. Big is going through a very obnoxious phase. Licking. Yes, you read that right. Licking. He thinks it is double-over-pee-your-pants funny. It's the most funny to him to lick humans or the friggen dog. Sigh. The DOG. who knew that I would say, "DON'T LICK THE DIRTY DOG!" And it wouldn't be the punch line of a bad joke?!

We at first tried to ignore it, but have you ever been licked by a cat's rough tongue? Not pleasant, not to be ignored. Being licked by Big is equally impossible to ignore. Instead of rough, it's extremely wet and constant. And on your face.

No where in any parenting book have I found a chapter with the title, "how to train your licking toddler". Maybe once we figure out the trick to his de-licking, I'll write that chapter. Then I'll print it on note cards and just randomly stick it in child rearing books at Barnes and Noble so the buyer gets a bonus tip from a true de-licked family.

The father figure attempted to squelch the licking today by saying "eww, I just rolled in dog poo", followed by Big saying "really, where?" It wasn't quite the expected reaction. Maybe I could buy a habanero lotion and endure the burning sensation just long enough to repel the licking child. Probably not, but at this point, I'm just about willing to try anything!

Happy Friday!

Hug your babies, kiss your spouse and say "this too shall pass". I'm not the only one who feels this way today? Right?! I need a mental vacation, booze and a winning lotto ticket. Or just booze. That's a 10-4. Is it time for summer vacation, yet? Oy