I missed the moth of June...

And most of July. What can I say?! Spending time with my children is much more fun and enjoyable than keeping up this blog. Then again, do I ever have stories?!?! This is where I don't know how to restart! The boys are growing like weeds. Or Venus Fly Traps. More like Venus Fly Traps due to the amount of meat products that they consume. Anyway....

Lately we have been swimming daily, and because Big's skin is so sensitive... He goes nakey hiney very often. What he can't understand is why we can't ALL go nakey hiney. Me telling him that even God doesn't want to see Mommy's pasty white hiney in the brightest sunlight... reflected off of the crystal blue pool water doesn't seem to change his mind. So, if you come swimming and Big asks you to get nakey hiney like Mommy... Please don't call CPS. I don't swim nakey hiney with my child, or random adults, if that matters. I have a perfectly good swimsuit. and a hiney that will never see sunlight as long as I don't take up abusing drugs or booze. Then again, with three boys and their antics, nothing in my future is definitely!

My playroom... The toilet.

I am a good mom. I cook a hot breakfast for my trio pretty much every day. Whole doing this, they entertain themselves in the playroom. I can see in there from the kitchen, with the exception of the corners of the room.

Today, I took a break to come change it to the most important Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.... Upon stepping over the safety gate, I saw a nighttime diaper. I had not removed any diapers, yet. Sigh.

Warren was playing in the floor, bare booty shining. That's when I saw it. The first if many piles of poop. It was like a trail from the corner to the baby hate. He has scooted his butt across the floor. In MORE THAN ONE SPOT. Is summer break over, yet? Lol

So while my children
Enjoyed a hot
Meal, I cleaned the newest toilet at our house. I though I had it all... But my
Lucky left foot found more. We have brown speckled carpet. It is the perfect poo camouflage. I am scarred. Next post... Giving all children and myself a bath without a second set of hands. That should make for a good read.

Baseball games are a workout.

Especially when you take three small children and a husband who drinks too much beer. Lawdy! The boys enjoyed the popcorn from the concrete, tried to crawl UNDER the seats to the lower level, got their feet and legs caught in the seats more than I can count, spilled a drink, dipped their hands in nacho cheese, drank 2 jumbo diet cokes, inhaled cotton candy and a container of strawberry fields tic-tacs, and managed to ride me snd my knees to my near death... All within 2 short hours. I *think* a baseball game took place but I honestly can't be sure. We left to come home at 8 and they all three started pitching fits because they hadn't killed me, yet.

The father left full of cheap beer and happy. I left dehydrated and cranky. I should say that a fun time was had by all, but it's obvious that my idea of fun is a bit skewed. Just a bit.

Lady bugs taste crunchy. (This should be posted 5/13!)

Yesterday was so beautiful, we took the boys outside to play on the new play yard while I planted flowers. Middle kept running away, as usual, and finally I decided to corral him inside the bottom part of the playhouse. He was having a great time playing until he started coughing. I ran over there to see what was making him choke, and he reaches into his mouth and hands me something and as I look at it, I realize it's 1/2 the hard shell of a lady bug. At first I was disgusted, thinking I guess this is the first time he has tried to eat a bug. Then, he reaches back in his mouth, and hands me the rest of the half eaten bug that is trying to crawl out of his mouth. If you have never held a half eaten-slobbered-on ladybug, you just haven't lived. He just kept giggling because he thought it was hilarious the way the bug was tickling his tongue. Big, also thought it was hilarious, and said he was going to find more lady bugs to feed to his brother. Little, on the other hand, was not impressed and squealed every time Big tried to hand in a grasshopper that he found. At least one of my children has the good sense to not eat Random bugs. Then again, if I am ever caught out survivor style, I want Middle with me because he can catch a lady bug faster than you can snap your fingers.

Must try new things.

Big has decided that he must try new things. At least that's what he tells me each and every time he gets in trouble something that he has done. For example, last night when he put the remote control in my diet Pepsi, I asked him why he did it and again he says, Mommy, I must try new things!" I'm not sure which of his learning cartoons thought that that phrase would be a good idea, but when I figure it out, I will be writing one very crazy long letter.

Right this minute

Big has learned, from Nana, the phrase, "right this minute." He is using it often.... Like when he wants a snack, when he wants to watch his show, when he needs a drink. You can imagine how well that is going over. Lead balloon.

Middle and Little are also using their voices more these days. Little answers every sound with a screech. I say no, he says "etttt", I say yes, he says "noooo". Middle just squeals a s grunts 24-7.

The other lovely phrase we keep hearing is "that is enough!" Lol! Big tells that to the Father every time he gets the chance. It probably doesn't help that it makes me crack up.

Well, off to try to finish that [}%*%}{]]#£€>~ play set. The rain has make completion is PITA.

I'm a manatee.

Big is a manatee. Please do not correct him. He is a manatee. The manatee can go under water. It eats fish and poots. Big says he, too, does these things. Yep, deductive reasoning says that he is, in fact, a manatee.

Most days he smells like a manatee and listens and follows directions like I imagine a large sea animal would... So until further notice, I am
the proud mother of a 3 year old manatee and 17 month old twin boys. Good times.

All Decks on Hand!

Big's swing set is ALMOST finished. We have about 15 decorative pieces and the swings to hang. Big thinks its good enough. He and his brothers have thought over the slide every night this week that it hasn't been raining. His favorite thing to do is get in the top and yell, " I am the captain! All decks on hand!" I tried to tell him that it was not, "all decks on hand" but instead, "all hands on deck", But he very quickly told me that I was not a pirate and did not know what I was talking about. Okey Dokey.


I have also come to the conclusion that the terrible twos have nothing on the Tasmanian Devil threes. Big gets a spanking on average every 3.2 seconds when he's awake. Hey precious as brothers, he scratches his brothers, he chases his brothers until they fall, he hits his brothers, he still thinks from his brothers, he is just generally mean in every way possible to his brothers. I told him last night to stop being a mean Tasmanian devil, and he replied "I'm not the devil, or a real boy!"

Yes, that he is.

Pants optional.

I was going through pictures of the boys tonight and realized that they're not wearing pants in 99% of them. Or shoes. What does that say about me as a parent??!! I'm just like my mother, that's what... I don't worry about things that don't matter! Growing up, I didn't wear pants or shoes unless we were going to the store until age 5 (heck, it could've been older than that, we grew up in Podunk, so no one saw you in your skivvies in the yard.)

Getting Big to wear pants is like getting a Jehovah's Witness to not leave a pamphlet in your screen door- virtually possible. He only wears shoes when I physically sit him down and make him. Which, sadly isn't often because I think I'm a bit hypocritical to say its too cold to not wear shoes when I'm not wearing any in the pictures, either. Shoes are overrated. Honestly, so are pants, but I like having a job and not being sent to the psych ward, so I'll continue to only go pant-less at home. The boys, well... No promises on their pants. Those suckers could come off at any time

Steak and Butt Medicine

Middle had an eye dr appt today. This means that poor Nana had the daunting task of getting all three boys up from nap, dressed and in the car to meet me. NOT EASY. Apparently Big decided to be a first class butt and refused to get dressed. Smart Nana said he could stay home while we went to eat and he quickly changed his mind.

Eye appt went well and we decided to go to Logan's. Big was enamored with the idea of throwing peanut shells on the floor. I've never witnessed such pure delight in peanut shells. Half way through the meal, Big decides he needs to potty.

Big has daily Miralax to ease this process. Sadly, on occasion that sticks in his mind, he has to have a suppository or more for the big C.

We went to the restroom, Big pottied and was super excited... He ran as fast as he could to announce to Nana and every patron within screaming distance, "I went peepee and don't have to have BUTT MEDICINE!!" The looks from others were AWESOME.

I guess we can now mark "shock crowd at steak restaurant" off of the bucket list.

I'm back!!

My posts have been few and far between. I have been slacking since spring break and just enjoying the evenings with my boys. However, that means I have a lot of great stories to catch up on.

Where do I start? We decided to buy an outdoor cedar swingset for the boys. Big was upset that we didn't load the display into the trailer. Then, he was upset that the boxes were not all huge and put together. Then, he was upset that when we opened the three small boxes it just looks like wood. Putting this thing together has been like birthing our fourth child. The boxes are filled with tiny pieces of cedar all marked with a even tinier letter and number combination. It is maddening to say the least.

The Father and I put in six hours on Sunday and four hours on Monday. It looks like a big box of Wood exploded in the front yard. Last night, big decided to come help. That was something special, I'll tell ya.

After about 15 minutes of climbing the "rock wall to nowhere", Big decide to tell me that: #1- he doesn't think the rock wall is safe and #2- we are not moving nearly fast enough for his liking. He's planning to appeal the 13th amendment if we don't get it in gear.

We knew it was time to quit and go in the house when the Father tried to screw the boards together using all of the correct screws and none of the correct wood. That's when Big decided to tell us that it was time for us to go inside because, "I think daddy needs a niiiice cold glass of orange juice." Something tells me that daddy might have had another drink in mind.

I'm pretty sure that my posts... the same time next week, will be about still working on that blankety-blank playset. My children have no idea how spoiled they really are.

And now for a short recap of some of the things you've missed:

1. Big has a 30 minute break down over wanting a tiny green muffin. Entire family searches house from top to bottom for a tiny green muffin. 30 minutes later, Big shows us a mini Reese's cup wrapped in green foil that was left by the Easter Bunny. Problem solved.

2. Little can now climb anything and everything and does so on a daily basis. He managed to climb over the play room gate, and open the bathroom door. Before Nana could catch him, he had so climbed into the toilet and was dancing. The positive part of your child in the most bacteria loaded space of your home?? following that episode, the toilet has never been cleaner.

3. We have resorted to using a real dog leash for Middle when we are outside doing any yard work. He cannot be trusted to not run as fast as possible down the hill, which leads to rolling as fast as possible down the hill. We now know if we hook a leash through the neck and back of his shirt he can't go any farther than we allow him. It makes for one pissed off baby but at least he's safe. I'm guessing I really do need to buy a backpack leash for him. Oy.

4. I told Big the other day that I was awesome. He told me, "no mommy, you're not awsul (awful), you're beautiful!" That's why I have refrained from killing him up to this point:)

I have more, but will add them to the next entry!

We have...

Cabinet doors!! No island, still no stove, no light fixture, no microwave, no countertops, no end in sight and no way to open windows for fumes because of the rain. Did I mention that we have cabinet doors??!! Silver lining, folks. Silver lining. Oh, and now we are doing Easter out because we can't cook

That's a bonus, right? Maybe the contractor will pay for it since we were told there would be no worries on hosting Easter. No worries at all. Sigh.

I'm baaaack!

So I took a blogging break over Spring Break, but now I'm back!!

Our kitchen is looking fab and we might even be able to use it by this weekend! Praise the Easter Bunny!

Tonight's funny...

Big says, "Mommy!! My toenail is stuck!!" Of course, I looked at his foot and didn't see anything. He then proceeds to say, "No, Mommy, it's stuck in my teeth." Wigga wigga whaaaa?

Yep, he had bitten his toenail with his front teeth and managed to get one lodges between them. Never a dull moment. I had to use a floss pick to get it out. Then we had a discussion about hygiene and the purpose if keeping our feet OUT of our mouth after brushing our teeth.

Boys are cut from a different cloth. For sure.

Kitchen re-do

Has made our entire family a little off -kilter from breathing paint fumes. Sweet Jesus, I need better weather tomorrow so that we can open the windows and reclaim some brain cells.

I need a stiff drink.

So I was home with the three squirrels all by my lonesome today. No big deal, right? Did I mention that our kitchen is being redone and my oven is sitting in the office, the fridge is in the kitchen and all I have to cook with is a microwave?? I was thinking of sticking my head in it by the end of the day.

We don't do much microwave cooking around here and the kids were NOT impressed with their cereal bar, canned peaches and microwave breakfast taquito this morning. Even without the use of words, Middle and Little made it very clear that they expected more... A la, Nana's sausage gravy and biscuits, eggs and bacon or at least pancakes!! Big simply yelled, "yuck! This is gross, Mommy!" And proceeded to spit the bite back onto his plate. Awesome. I had an apple. It wasn't that great, either.

I was desperate by dinner and had the Hubs bring home rotisserie chicken. We were all happier after dinner.

I see three meals of take out in our future for the rest of the week. Heck, even cold pizza would be better than microwave dinner style foods. They all suck and since my children are food connoisseurs... I'm thinking microwave burritos ain't cuttin' it mañana!!

This kitchen had better be fan-freaking-tastic.

SB Success!!

We had so much fun running around today! The boys were all good and we had very few of the typical fits:). We started out at the pizza and token place, followed by three hobby lobby stores to get cabinet pulls, several more stores and too much money later, we had dinner at Applebee's and then slid into home with thirty minutes to spare before bedtime:). I call that a success!!

The funny of today was Big getting a Buzz Lightyear. He picked the biggest one on the shelf and then we walked past a tiny one. Big yells,". A tiny baby Buzz! He so coooooot!" It is hilarious to hear him tell me how everything is beautiful and cute. Those are his two new favorite words:). Mine, too until he switches!

Tomorrow we are planning to hit Eureka Springs. Yeah, we are crazy!

Big has lost his mind.

Wow, Big has been 1/2 demon all day. Holy crap. Trying to lie down in the WalMart parking lot IN THE RAIN. throwing a 40 minute freak-out scream fest because he couldn't watch "his" show. Pushing his brothers. Hitting his brothers. Biting his father.

OY! Welcome to Spring Break!! Lol. I planned an outing for every day. Now I'm rethinking them! ;)

Beautiful weather!!

We gave spent hours outside last night and today. Wow, it's gorgeous out. This is really the first that the twins have gotten to experience outside without being in a play yard or walker. Middle has zero fear and rolled down our big hill about 20 minutes in. He stood up, laughed and tried it again. Little is not that impressed with the great outdoors and spent the first half hour on Nana's lap just looking around. He finally got "brave" and decided to check out the hill. He quickly, and not so gracefully,fell head first and tumble down. He was not impressed. Stood up crying and then spent the next 20 minutes in my lap:)

Other happenings, Big took Little for an unexpected FAST ride down a hill in the
Motorized car. Then he drove them into a tree. Big pulled Little down the hill on his knees by pulling him with a wagon. Middle has no fear of fire... Or the road.

They played so hard, they were crying to go to sleep. I can't wait until the twins are a bit more sure on their feet and can play full time with Big. It is so fun to watch them interact. We are so thankful for these three.

SPRING BREAK!!

Thank the heavens! It's beautiful weather, no one is sick and we have play dates scheduled!! I'm so excited for this MUCH needed break.

Now, scheduling to have our kitchen counters refinished this week miiiiight not have been my smartest decision, but once they're finished, I know it will be AHHHmazing.

Now for *hopefully* a full nights sleep. Mr. Sandman, please visit me.

One more day until Spring Break!!

Thank you tiny baby Jesus. I need spring break. I miss my kids!! I'm sure my tune will change after our togetherness of next week, but what can I say, I miss them now:)

Tonight's antics revolved around spaghetti, bathing all three at once, playtime in the bedroom and finally bed.

Then Big crying, refusing to sleep because "baby puppy" was down stairs. I told him that it could sleep down there and he told me, "no, Mommy! Baby Puppy will be scared without me!" So I went downstairs and located a small stuffed Bassett hound and it's mama. They're all three now tucked in and sleeping peacefully in Big's room.

Ahhhh, I LOVE age three. He's still sweet, mostly listens, asks hilarious questions and still believes that he can fly like Peter Pan. It doesn't get any better:)

Big is seasick.

Big was excited to go to Nana's 'partment today. While there he managed to sneak some coconut egg m&m's:)

He's in bed and keeps yelling that he needs me (through the monitor). I finally cave and go in. He proceeds to tell me all about eating his eggs at Nana's house. I asked him if we were supposed to be talking about eggs or going to sleep. His reply..."I fink we should talk about eggs!" Um, not so much.

I started to leave and he said his belly hurt from the eggs. Then he told me that they made him feel seasick. I'm thinking I need to tell Nana that I need some of those eggs. They must be pretty darn good if they cause seasickness on dry land.

All is quiet

The boys are trying to catch up on the sleep that THEY missed last night. I'm hoping the trend continues.

I likely just jinxed it. Update TOMORROW!

Daylight savings.

Supposedly for farmers back in the day... But I'm convinced it was created by someone who hates children and their parents.

All three boys have been cranky and were not thrilled that we tried to put them down for a nap an hour earlier than usual. So that meant less sleep followed by them crying to go to sleep way earlier than normal. All around awesome.

However that's nothing compared to the fate of the Father this evening. Big begged and pleaded for a bath and he wanted to take a bath WITH the Father. Well, after lots of non-stop, "pwwwwwease, Daddy!" requests, he agreed. They had the garden tub FILLED WITH BUBBLES. I walked in and something smelled weird. Big had a "OMG" look on his face... And yelled, "I need to go potty!" Wellllll, you see where this is going. Big didn't make it. One poop in the tub, one plopped on the rug as I hoisted him onto the potty. After sitting there and producing nothing more, he proudly proclaimed... "No more poop in my butt!" Alrighty then!!

Of course, that pretty much ended the bath time bliss for the soiled adult. I honestly laughed so hard that tears were clouding my vision. I couldn't stop and Big said, "stop laughing Mommy, it's not funny!" Which made me laugh even harder.

So, how long until Big talks anyone else into taking a bath with him??!! I'm thinking quite a while!!

Home again, home again...

Jiggity Jig!! Two nights away from my four favorite boys... Although super restful, were just almost too much. The great thing was when we woke the twins up they both squealed when they saw me and lurched for my arms. Perfect coming home reaction:). They both say in my lap for a long time, too.

Big saw me after he woke up and asked, "did you get me a present, Mommy?" Of course!! He loves the laser lights that you can wear on your fingers. My eyes are now wondering what in the hell my brain was thinking when deciding that it was a good purchase!!

I swear, all three of them gained words and sound in the two days I was gone. I'm fully expecting Big to recite Shakespeare at the rate he's going.

I need time to SLOW DOWN.

Mama is going out!!

Nana and Daddy have the grublets. I have 2 friends and a designated driver. It's been a long time since I had girls night and I can't wait!!

Sleep

I'm on a school trip... With my VERY OWN hotel room. I'm going to sleep. Like the dead. All night. Be jealous. (Now watch the insomnia hit. )

My little helper.

Big loves to help me cook, clean, etc. Granted, he usually makes a bigger mess than the one I'm trying to clean, but at least he tries. Eventually I'll make it to where he will be a quality husband someday.

So tonight he is helping me sweep: read- distributing my freshly swept pile all around the kitchen...and he stops and hops onto the broom and proceeds to tell me, "this is how witches ride!"

He followed this by a 5 minute story of how he can't fly in the house because of the ceiling, so we talked about taking the broom outside for a spin. Luckily, he knows it's cold outside and dark, so I don't have to explain why his broom won't actually fly, at least for today. Maybe tomorrow, or 'maraso' as Big would say.

Hot tea:)

My children are definitely southern. They can sense sweet tea from a room away and there is no hiding it from them. I can put it in a dark covered cup and they will all still stand around me like starving animals. I figured they wouldn't like it hot, so I made hot, sweet tea. No such luck. Like berries to a Junebug, they kept flying back for more.

So now, Big will request "hot tea" which for him has exactly one less ice cube than iced tea;) the littles can suck EXTREMELY watered down tea for hours if I would let them. All I have to do is make a glass of water, dunk one ice cube in tea, throw it in the water cup and voila!! They'll drink water all day long.

They're real life tea-hounds. Similar to blood hounds, but with smaller ears, less fur and slightly less smelly.

Sick kids and working late.

Those things really get in the way of blogging. I guess if I didn't have kids or a job, I wouldn't have much to blog about, though... Would I?

Anyway, since I saw my kids about 10 minutes total today, I have no clue about their antics and musings. I'm sure that Nana will update me tomorrow.

In other news, our tax return was accepted, I booked my hotel room for my conference, I didn't kill any students or co-workers, I didn't manage to bill any Medicaid, I didn't cheat on my diet and I am lying in bed at 8:30. Pretty good day, overall.

Saturday!!

Let's see... Today I was puked on, peed on, but most wonderfully, slept on. Both twins are feeling sick, so after breakfast they both crawled into my lap and fell asleep for about 45 minutes. They haven't both slept in my lap for months. It was very bittersweet to hold them, knowing they were sick, but just realizing that they are getting so stinkin' independent.

After their nap they felt better and proceeded to pull the house down around their ears, but what's new?!? Lol

I also bought Big a cool bath gel kit. It literally turns the entire tub into bright blue gel. He played for 30 minutes and spent most of that time trying to bury a submarine! He did NOT want to get out.

It was pretty darn cool, I must admit. I would have LOVED it as a child. Why don't they have fun stuff like this for adults? Maybe I'll use the second gel pack for myself when I need a break, a brainless activity and a bottle o'wine!!

Missed it...

I missed my first night of recording a thought. We had late conferences at school last night. That was following 2 am barf from Big and the twins both sick. So zero sleep and a 13 hour day... Meant that I brought an apple up to bed as a late snack and fell asleep before even eating it.

I'm still tired today, but hopefully I'll get a full night's sleep tonight and will feel energized tomorrow.

On another note, Little woke up from nap with both eyes LITERALLY matted shut from severe cold-sinus drainage and the extra-over-active snot factory had glued his nose shut. Poor baby kept turning his head to my voice but couldn't quite figure it out. It was like having a 30 lb newborn kitten. Minus the fur.

I need the sickness to exit left. Or right. Or fall off of the stage. Yesterday.

The strong willed child.

Is killing me slowly. Big has started to think that he's the boss. He's saying no, threatening to spank us, disobeying and just generally being a stinkbug. I told the Father tonight that we are going to have to break him like a wild stallion. And I was serious.

I figure if we let it go now, there will be no turning back when he's 12, my height and a total preteen butthole. So tonight, he threw a wall-eyed fit because he wanted MOMMY to read his book. Well tough noogies, dude. You don't make the book reading rules. It took me 10 minutes to get him to choose from the following. 1. Be nice to Daddy... Or 2. Get a spanking and go to bed. Wow, super hard choice, I know!! But he FINALLY decided being nice to Daddy would not kill him.

Then, like I flipped off the evil switch, he was back to being a giggling, high-fiving, kissy kissy three-year-old. The one that holds 1/3 of my heart. He flipped just in time because I had just googled "toddler boarding school". Oy.

Go away sickness!!

Now the Father, Little and Middle are sick. I luckily started to feel human today after the antibiotics took over the strep. I was excited to get a break... nope. They are all THREE moaning, clinging, whining angels. Yeah, angels.

Please excuse me while I go jump off of a cliff.

I can't see anyfing.

Big's wise words after he turned off all of the lights. Ha! That was totally a cause and effect that taught a lesson. He had a flashlight and kept saying he wanted to turn off the lights and tell "spooky stories." I finally agreed but he forgot to turn ON the flashlight... So we sat for about three minutes in the dark until he figured out his to get it turned on. Never a dull moment.

He also decided to be a big boy and put his undies on all by himself today. They are rockin' backwards and with the legs through one leg hole and the waistband. It's full on crack-overload. I gave him a much deserved high five. Them I questioned my job as a mom for not switching them around. Seriously though, let's face it... He can accidentally pee on the leg just as easily as he can pee in the crotch, right?

Yep, that was my conclusion, too. It didn't really matter. He was already in trouble for taking a cup to the bathroom to pee IN ... Because as he said, "I can!" That cup is not longer for daily use. I'm saving it for door-to-door salesmen, cause that's how we roll around these parts.

Bee Rolls and Beer.

Big told me all day that we needed to get more Bee Rolls. We spent forever trying to figure out what he meant. We asked him to repeat himself, slow down, etc. this caused him to get highly agitated, which only made the situation worse.

I began running all of the previous events through my head to make a connection. Toys, cartoons, foods... And then it hit me!! He means HONEY BUNS! I asked him if he wanted more honey buns and after looking at me with his stink eye, he said, "that's what I've been trying to tell you!" Okie dokie. Bee rolls, added to the shopping list.

Which brings me to my second story: beer. Big comes running in the play room with a virtually empty Pepsi Max can today. He proudly proclaimed that he was going to "drink all of Daddy's beer!" I laughed. Nana broke her neck making sure he wasn't really holding a beer. So, do I tell him it really is beer and then when he's 16 and brings "beer" to his first hang out, he gets a rude awakening? Or do we just go with it for now? Either way, I just know he's going to tell someone in public that he loves to drink Daddy's beer. We're screwed no matter what.

Strep Throat=Baby Magnet.

My three spawn are typically as independent as a hog on ice. They never want to be held and loved for more than a minute at a time. That is until today when I was diagnosed with strep and told to have minimal contact with them.

They cried, fretted and threw fits all day to be held by ME. Not Daddy. Not Nana. Only me. Typically this is endearing, today, as I envision a house full of children who can't swallow... Not so much.

Here I am, feeling like I had a bad initiation into the sword swallowing guild and I have three children attached to my hip. At one point, the twins both sat on my lap for over 30 minutes just to be rocked. I was too tired to even enjoy their cuteness.

The doctor at the walk-in clinic asked if I could be pregnant and what I was using at birth control. I don't know why I still find that question funny. I'm proud of myself, though... I appropriately said "tubal" when I wanted to say the universe. Because really, there are so many fertility issues with this body, it's obviously tied to universal force fields that have not yet been discovered.

The little things:)

I smile every time I go to use our spa tub. I mean, really... How many adults get to play with a submarine, 3 puffer fish, Captain Hook, an octopus, Noah's Ark, Finn McMissile the watercraft, a yet-to-be-identified fish and two sea divers?

Not many. It only takes 5 minutes to gather all of Noah's animals and all of the sea life. Then I get to start on the rest. By the time I've organized the toys into their tub side piles, I'm usually too exhausted to actually run the water. I've tried just lying in the dry tub with all of the toys, but they poke me in all of the wrong places and I never come out smelling nice.

I'm sure it's not REALLY relaxing anyway, right?

No snow day.

Just a "get your arse to work in the sheet of ice" day. It sucked. Granted, I wasn't doing a weather dance, but I think driving in ice is stoooopid and I was that person today.

Anyway, all is well and my children are still nuts.

Big has started saying, "I don't fink so!" At EVERY THING.

That answer is beyond obnoxious. OBNOXIOUS.

Do you need to potty? IDFS
What do you want for snack? IDFS
Did you hit your brother? IDFS
Can you STOP saying that? IDFS

No longer cute. The gypsies don't come by our house any more. The return to sender tag is worn off, the warranty is expired and the record is broken. I guess I'm stuck hearing IDFS until he's big enough to say an even more obnoxious phrase. I'm scared at the idea of what that might be.

Then again, as I wrote that I just witnessed him trying to stick his head IN the back of his Father's underwear. Maybe IDFS isn't the worst thing he can do or say, eh?

I'm taking a future snow day.

Just in case we actually ARE in school tomorrow, I taking my snow day tonight. Playing with my kids. Finishing my daily blog post. Stay warm and safe!!

Three words that induce vomiting.

It happened. OH EM GEE... It finally happened. My child ate something so vile, it's hard for me to type about.

Earlier today Big had a large booger. He was picking it and I told him to stop while I grabbed a tissue. I turned away for about 2 seconds and by the time I plucked the tissue from the box, his booger was gone.

I asked him where he put it?! I expected the answer to be: on my shirt, on your shirt, in the carpet, on my brother, on your expensive purse. Those, although obnoxious, are sadly, pretty acceptable in our house.

Instead, he uttered the feared three words: (gag. Cough. Gag again)
His words?! IN MY MOUTH. !!!

OMFG. In his mouth? I asked again, bc I was SURE I had misheard. Nope. I didn't develop a hearing problem. Unfortunately he did just that. Ate a booger. I'm traumatized. There are no words for the level of gross that went all over me.

We talked about it and he has PROMISED me that he will never do it again. What possessed him, I will never understand. Maybe he really is part gremlin like we have suspected. That's the only logical answer I have found. Part gremlin. It comes from the paternal side.

Family Guy.

Parenting Fail. Big has started to request Family Guy. Fab-o. We always watched it when we thought he wasn't paying attention, or when we knew he wouldn't understand it. Them he started laughing. He still laughs at the wrong times, but still. A three year old that can sing the theme song of an adult cartoon, not so great.

It's all the Father's fault. It's his show... And even though he says it's make bonding, I'm thinking it is just laziness and poor planning!

Then again, Big still mainly requests Disney or Sprout, so I suppose we haven't ruined him completely... Yet. He's still living after all this time, so at least we are remembering to feed and water him. And give him sunlight. We will move on to plants and pets soon. That's the natural progression of responsibility for meth heads, so why can't it be for us, too??

Oh yeah, that only works if kids are unplanned "surprises!" Guess that means we don't qualify.

The 'nocs.

Big is infatuated with 'nocs. That's binoculars to those of you without a three year old. He has a scope meant for a gun that he calls his pirate eye and a set of "spy" 'nocs. These, although AWESOME, are not real 'nocs. He knows the difference.

We were in Cabela's today for a stroll and he saw the 'nocs case. He had a conniption fit for a pair. This mean mom just kept on walking. Those 'nocs were value priced for the common man at $399.99. Honestly, at that bargain price, I should have gotten all three boys a pair, right?

Of course, he tried to bargain with me and told me they would help him see fish and deer and bears. I firmly stood my ground. Thankfully, he realized that the 'nocs weren't happening, so he moved his efforts to a much more realistic purchase: A candy apple red, glitter painted, custom Ranger Speed boat. He even told me we could put it in our pool. I didn't have an extra 40k in my purse today, so I told him we would ask daddy and come back for it later. Yeah, later. That line is still working. I'm gonna wear it out until he realizes that it is mom speak for NEVER.

Lazy day!

We did a heap of nothing today and it was wonderful.

All three boys were up at the crack of dawn, so we didn't get to sleep late, no shocker there... But they were pretty good today. Well, Little did start the day getting his thunder thigh caught in the crib rails, but with some elbow grease and a lot of squealing, it was saved and we didn't even need to use Crisco to get it out!

Middle fell asleep in his high chair at lunch, Big played on his fake cell phone... Talking just like me which is hilarious. "Yeah, okay, sounds good, talk to you later, love you, too, bye!! Ha! At least he's picked up on the cute habit of saying "love you" during every phone call. Hell, everyone knows that I say it so often to family that it slips with friends and the occasional business professional! I would have made a great free-love 70's phone operator.

Well, Big keeps telling us that he stinks and needs a bath. Even though he's already had a bath today...I'm sure we will give in because he's very convincing! (And exceptionally stinky for a small child)

Bedroom routines.

If Middle and Little start requiring a bedtime routine as long as Big does right now, we might as well start it the second we get them up for their afternoon nap. OMG.

Granted, it's our own fault. since he was our first, we didn't give the length of the bedtime ritual NEARLY enough thought. It was fun and cute so we started allowing 2 books, a potty break in between, tooth brushing, clothes changes, usually another potty break and then high fives and kisses.

I can't talk about the added bath nights without getting drowsy. It's loooong. He never wants to get out. I'm always his pick .... So It's even longer for me.

Recently he started the bedtime avoidance fun. Every five seconds he's yelling at me through the monitor.

1. "Mommy! You forgot my pants." Nope, you refused to wear them.
2. "Mommy, you forgot to cover up my Buzz Lightyear." I guess he gets cold.
3. "Mommy, you need to feed my fish again, they're still hungry." Damn Ethiopian fish.
4. "Mommy, I'm scared. Clifford is looking at me." I knew that stuffed animal was possessed.
5. "Mommy, I need< insert asinine inanimate object of play here>." Kill me , now.


The best was tonight's issue..."Mommy! I think I heard my fish poot. He needs the potty.!" Ok, I draw the kind at this request. That fish can poop in it's own potty... Because if he goes to mine, he's going to the big porcelain fish bowl in the sky.

Question for you parents of older kids... When do they start sleeping past the crack of dawn?!?! I hope it's tomorrow.

Happy Love Day!

Single or attached, Happy February 14th! I received a beautiful bouquet of roses, candy, kisses from the small ones and my absolute favorite... A hand stamped necklace with all three boy's names and birthstones. It's beautiful and props to the hubs for ordering it early so it would arrive on time!

And now back to the previously scheduled post. Big is infatuated with covering up and building forts. Well,they aren't really forts, they're more "crazy old man" quilt bunkers. It's hard to breathe and you can't see out. Awesome.

He built a "fort" over my head this evening, like most nights. Both Middle and Little decided to get in on the pile. I couldn't breathe and I playfully yelled, "help, help!" Without missing a beat, Big, in his best schizo voice says, "no one is coming to help you!" I literally laughed out loud. Where does he come up with these things?

Just this morning, I asked him "guess who's coming home tonight?!" He got so excited and yelled, "SANTA CLAUS!" Um, nope. Daddy. The answer was Daddy. At least I know where Santa STILL ranks in the hierarchy of awesome people within our family. I'm waiting for the day that I fall to the Tooth Fairy.

No surprise.

We didn't have a single flake of snow actually stick to anything. The few that fell were washed away by the rain. Stupid meteorologist. That's the best job ever. You can be wrong EVERY DAMN DAY and still get paid. Nice.

In other news, Middle finally has two molars. He has the nasty diapers to prove it. OY. Little is working on them. Poor kid's mouth is so swollen he is beginning to resemble Stewie Griffin. It's sad and frightening.

Good news: The Father returns tomorrow from a week in Omaha. HUZZAH!! I'm thinking I should LEAVE tomorrow for a week anywhere just to show him the love. Then again, I actually like my kids, and think he might let them win and that wouldn't be pretty.

I'm ready for a weekend of relaxing, but just looking around, it's obvious that it will take me all damn weekend just to fold the friggen piles of baby clothes. OMG. The socks multiply and divide, daily. Plus, they're so tiny. It's mind numbing. I swear, I see why dirty old men go sock-less. Shoe stink be damned. It's less laundry, less matching, less drawer space. I think they're on to something.

Let it snow!!!

But preferably only on the sidewalks and grassy spots, not so much on the roads. Enough to stick around so I can take Big sledding tomorrow afternoon, but not enough to cancel school.

Since I'm asking for specifics, can it be at least a foot on those surfaces? Stick around for three days but no longer. I prefer the big pretty flakes to the small rain-ish ones. Also, let's make it slushy enough for good snowballs, but dry enough for good snow ice-cream.

I'm fully expecting zero flakes because they're saying 1-3 inches. Last time we were predicted for 6-8... And got zilch. I'll believe it when I see it.

Just in case, though... We took the nephews home to their mama so that she can deal with the cabin fever if we do actually get anything. I'm nice, but I'm not THAT nice. Of course, Big thinks they're coming over again tomorrow. And here bringing balloons. And he's having a party. And he's getting lots of toys.

I can smell the disappointment from here.

Take 2.

Big's first sleepover lasted two whole hours. Then he decided he would wake up the cousin who was snoring to tell him to be quiet! Not so much.

Anyway, he ended up mauling me, I mean, massaging me all friggen night. It was so awesome- ly terrible. It was similar to sleeping with a pit bull and an octopus, chained to my leg.

We are planning to try it again tonight. I expect the same or worse bc that's my usual luck these days.

In preparation for tonights events...We took the brood to Fun City Pizza to wear them out, but I think it back fired and wore out the adults, and energized the wee ones. Needless to say, we are zombies and the children are acting like crackheads.

It's 8:00 and I see three sets of raccoon eyes through the monitor in Big's room. Let the games begin.

Big's first sleepover.

My two nephews, ages 6 and 8 are sleeping over tonight and if we live to see it, tomorrow night. Big has been so excited about it he has been driving us bonkers.

All three boys are in his new bed and OMG, they are rowdy.

I never thought I would put Bog in timeout for licking, fake pooting, wrestling, spanking and generally tackling an 8 year old, but I did.

The older two loves were in trouble for real pooting, tackles, slapping, jumping on the bed, yelling and my favorite... Putting their fingers in the brother's butt. Yes. That happened more than once. It involved a timeout and lots of laughter. The laughter was mainly from Nana and myself.

This is a good future view if my life in 4 years. I see ER trips, timeouts and lots of laughter. I CAN NOT WAIT!

He doesn't like dogcorns.

That's what Big told us tonight at dinner. "I don't like DogCorns!" This was following my nephew's request for corn dogs for the sleepover dinner. Ha!

He's probably right, I assume that dogcorns would be tough and rubbery.

On another note, the family celebrated an early Valentine's day today since the Father is going on a business trip soon. I received a very cool necklace with the boy's names stamped on it and a birthstone pendant for child child, too. I love it!

I gave the Father a poolside iPhone player and a beer growler voucher, which we used tonight. He's now in bed drinking the stinkiest beer EVER. I did this to myself. Again, slow learner.

I hope everyone who celebrates Love Day gets something nice, and less stinky than German Beer.

Wanted: milk cow for sale or trade

I buy milk weekly. Almost daily. We go through 2-3 gallons of BOTH whole and skim each week. It's disturbing. I figure that the money I save on broken bones is put into the liquid calcium fund.

That amount of milk is on top of water and juice that we have available at all times. I fully expect the boys to start springing leaks out of their skin from the extra hydration.

You know that goes great with milk? 5.98 a container raspberries. That's what. The boys can finish one carton in a snack time... Or following a meal. It doesn't matter when, they can't get enough. I think we need to find a cheaper snack. Fake Cheerios? Great Value Strawberry fields cereal? That's close enough, right?

I offered some cereal to Big. He said, "no, sanks. I want wasbewies." Guess who went to the store and bought FOUR more cartons today? Yep, this sucker. I need a farm. A cow and berry farm.

Calling 911.

Big managed to grab the father's work phone and in less than 30 seconds he pushed a button combination that not only called 911, but put the phone into emergency only mode.

While I got the awesome task of explaining that there wasn't really an emergency to the nice lady, Father tried to switch the phone back to normal use mode... With no luck. He had to reset the whole thing to change the setting back. Nice. We have no clue what Big managed to push.

Okay, warning-stop reading now if feminine products make you uncomfortable.

Still here? Well, now it's your own fault.

So I bought tampons today. I went for my usual brand but accidentally picked up the off brand sitting right next to it. Best choice or something similar.., I need to double check. Anyway, it's a variety pack of light, "normal" and super. WTF is NORMAL? Are my tampons judging me?oh HELL NO. I mean, what amount of lady business is considered "normal"? Who makes this determination? What guy withOUT a vagina decided to slap the word normal on the package? I double checked and there isn't an abnormal one. That must be saved for the first cycle post childbirth, bc there is NOTHING normal about that lovely time in a woman's life. Nothing. Then again, that one is likely labeled "Quentin Tarantino Movie". At least that's what I would name it if I my own brand.

We are ready to sign.

It's national signing day... And I'm wondering when the recruiters will be calling. At the rate my children are growing, they will not fit in school desks by the 6th grade. Instead of Doogie in med school, we are going to have Boomie on the field.

Anyway...The boys have taken to wrestling and pulling hair over anything in sight. They fight daily over Big's child-sized recliner... So we ordered three. Different colors, all personalized as to minimize fighting. I know they can't read yet, but it's a start. Well, it started, alright!! They started fighting once the first box was opened, fought over who sat in the first chair, fought over the cardboard insert, started fighting over who could get inside the box and finally fought over who got to sit their chair next to Nana. It was a very pretty push and shove bonanza of musical chairs.

I friggen brought this on myself. I am a slooooow learner. Very slow. At least the chairs are cute and while the three push each other out of chairs... I can sit in mine without three kids piled on my feet, right? Probably wishful thinking!

Sneak peek of my Post in three weeks: how to repair torn vinyl and how to sell chairs that are personalized with your kid's name.

Pie and pictures.

I read a really great article last night about thinking you're too fat for pictures. I think even my skinny friends have had that beached whale moment in front of a camera. (Please say I haven't dreamed that!). It was basically saying that you can't go back and relive those memories. Forget about the extra 5, or heck, 50 pounds. Take the damn picture! Wow, it was so true and refreshing to read.

I have really tried to make sure that I'm in occasion pictures instead of taking all of them. Some are great, some are back-fat city (OY!) but you know what? My children are smiling in every one. Well, or making odd seizure faces from picture over-load! Either way, I would give anything to have more childhood pictures with my mom. ANYTHING. I cherish the few that I do have.

Reading that article just made me renew my feelings on continuing to take pictures even when I feel like I look terrible. My kids won't see my size, they will see how much fun we had on those days. How much their father and I lived our lives for their every breath. How wanted, loved, and celebrated they were each day from the moment we learned that they were on the way.

Okay, sappy mommy is heading out. Snarky mommy will return tomorrow, following a impromptu play room photo shoot:) and a piece if pie. Skinny pictures, be damned!

Fun with flashlights.

Nana bought the boys all a character flashlight. From Wah-geens, says Big;)

They played in the dark with them from the minute she put batteries in them until we took them away at bedtime. We have a Jake, Cars and Mickey Mouse one. They each have three pictures that you can put on to see a different character. We've already had breakdown tears over a lost pirate picture. I'm betting we have three busted lights and three pissed kids by lunch time tomorrow. Anyone care to place a bet with me?


So Big brings his light into our bed for a few minutes and thinks it's a good idea to eat ritz crackers by "flash light". In bed. Cookie Monster style. WTF? The father is sitting RIGHT beside him and he still managed to Cookie Monster half the sleeve before I came in the room and realized what was happening.

The question is now... Do I sweep the crackers over to the Father's side and pretend I didn't do it, or take the time to change the sheets? Im thinking "Where's the broom?"

It's Super Bowl Sunday.

I'm NOT watching two teams that I could not give any less of a hoot about, play in an over-rated game. Yeah, I know that many people watch for the commercials. I'm SURE that I will see and hear about them plenty in the next few weeks.

Instead of watching football, we have watched bad, made-for-TV movies and Will Farrell flicks all day. Now THAT is my idea of a Super Sunday.

The only OMG moment that really stands out is the Father playing around with Little and putting a pair of undies on Little's head.... They were soiled undies. Fab-o. Otherwise, honestly it's been a low-key day for us. Yes, there's been climbing, licking, pee incidents, nap fiasco fun and a mishap with unattended butt cream. All in all, no stitches, casts, calls to poison control or 911. It's been a stellar day!!

3 may kill us.

That's three, as in the age. Big is going through a very obnoxious phase. Licking. Yes, you read that right. Licking. He thinks it is double-over-pee-your-pants funny. It's the most funny to him to lick humans or the friggen dog. Sigh. The DOG. who knew that I would say, "DON'T LICK THE DIRTY DOG!" And it wouldn't be the punch line of a bad joke?!

We at first tried to ignore it, but have you ever been licked by a cat's rough tongue? Not pleasant, not to be ignored. Being licked by Big is equally impossible to ignore. Instead of rough, it's extremely wet and constant. And on your face.

No where in any parenting book have I found a chapter with the title, "how to train your licking toddler". Maybe once we figure out the trick to his de-licking, I'll write that chapter. Then I'll print it on note cards and just randomly stick it in child rearing books at Barnes and Noble so the buyer gets a bonus tip from a true de-licked family.

The father figure attempted to squelch the licking today by saying "eww, I just rolled in dog poo", followed by Big saying "really, where?" It wasn't quite the expected reaction. Maybe I could buy a habanero lotion and endure the burning sensation just long enough to repel the licking child. Probably not, but at this point, I'm just about willing to try anything!

Happy Friday!

Hug your babies, kiss your spouse and say "this too shall pass". I'm not the only one who feels this way today? Right?! I need a mental vacation, booze and a winning lotto ticket. Or just booze. That's a 10-4. Is it time for summer vacation, yet? Oy

Great night.

The brood and I just got home from dinner with a very dear friend, Uncle D. This was the first time he had gotten to meet the twins. It's was so great to catch up and eat cheese dip! Yum.

Anyway, I'm always amazed at how well the trio typically act in restaurants. Give these beastlets food and they will not peep for around 30 minutes. They have this whole "eat while it's hot thing" figured out. Tonight they devoured an enchilada plate like a hoard of locust. It's quite the sight to see! I'm pretty sure that it's not normal for small children to literally eat the same amount as the parent.

Still, the boys were tired and it was nearing bedtime, yet other than eye rubbing and a couple of "I'm over this" looks, all was well for the almost two hours that we were there. I must have done something right to have them behave when in public, right?

Our lives will be forever changed.

Little figured out how to climb out of his crib today. He's not quite 15 months old. This is not normal. Big was in his until almost 2. Holy crap.

What to do? Chaining him by the ankle is illegal, putting a lid on his crib is likely not safe, he's way too little to be trusted in an open bed... Our options are putting "fall out" pillows and mattresses around his crib, hanging him by his feet to sleep, or possibly invest in a specialty crib tent like device. I know what I will be google searching this weekend.

Luckily, Middle wouldn't climb a Step unless absolutely necessary. I guess he will have two cribs to choose from if we end up taking Little out of his. 14 months is way too early for this:( I should get to have safe sleep until at LEAST 18 months. Again, this makes me realize that a goat tether might not be as bad as it sounds.

Tick-tock Croc.

Big is infatuated with all things pirate. Patches, swords, pirate ships, Captain Hook and of course the "Tick-Tock Croc". What is truly great is that EVERY alligator toy, crocodile movie, etc is deemed THE tick-tock croc. Big thinks that you can put them all to your ear and they should tick. If it doesn't tick he gets highly annoyed and starts looking for batteries or telling me it is broken. We have an old VHS copy of Crocodile Dundee. Apparently, Dundee is the original Captain Hook and that stupid movie case is broken because Big cant hear it "tick-tock". Anyone know how to put the tick back into a ratty VHS? No?! Yeah, me neither. Big was not impressed with me and told me that Daddy could do it. I told him that I thought Daddy would be the best man for the job. Fun times. Yo ho ho! Where's me Rum?

Rub his nose in it.

That was Big's advice when I said that Little had a stinky diaper. I think he may have been watching Nana a bit too closely when she was potty training Marmaduke! This child keeps us in stitches every single day. Half of the stuff that he says makes us literally laugh out loud. I have no doubt that his humor will get him in trouble when he starts school. What in the world can I do?! He has my lack of filter and his Daddy's love of embarrassing others publicly. The next few years should be interesting, to say the least.

This also makes me realize that Big can't be trusted to watch his brothers while I go potty anymore. I can totally envision him attempting to rub Middle and Little's noses in dirty diapers. Heaven help us.

Vacation Planning!

We are getting an entire week off of work for Thanksgiving this year, so that can only mean one thing-- FAMILY ROAD TRIP!

We've decided to brave Florida. Nickelodeon Resort, Legoland, Disney and three kids, 3 and under. Insane, Yes. Memories that will last a lifetime, heck yeah!! I'm may drive everyone crazy with planning over the next 10 months, but I will ROCK the deals and discounts. No doubt.

I made the mistake of showing Big the hotel and Disney pictures online. OMG. That child has not stopped asking to go swimming and to see the pirate ship, ALL DAMN DAY. He may have a seizure once we are actually there. Plus, the twins will be two, so they will be the perfect age to throw fits and think they can make the rules. Good times will be had, and fits will be recorded for future blackmail purposes. I can't WAIT until Thanksgiving !!

Saturday night.

And based on the scratchy throat and tiredness setting in, I think I might be getting sick. Doesn't the universe know that I DO NOT have time for this?! Ugh.

Thankfully, all three boys are acting fine and continue to make attempts at tearing down various parts of the house. For once, that's comforting!

If you are a positive thoughts sender, I'll take all of the healing vibes that you can muster...and a gas mask because even though my nose feels a bit stopped up, I can still smell the boy stink of my children. It's particularly strong today. What gives?!

Nothing prepares you for the brown trout.

Big LOVES to take baths. He would seriously take one twice a day if I allowed it. Tonight he asked to play with his submarine, so we filled the tub with tons of toys and bubbles. He was having a blast... Then he got that "oh crap!" Look on his face.

When questioned, he said, "I need to go potty!" I went to help him out if the tub and he says, "Mommy, you need to get it." Huh? Get what? Then like a slow-mo picture show... I realized it was too late. The trout has already jumped into the water. I looked at Big and said, "Did you already go?" I couldn't see because of the massive amount of bubbles. I prayed that I was wrong.

Then he put his little fingers reallllly close together and told me "just a little one, Mommy." Oh. My. God. If there is poo in the tub, I'm pretty damn sure size of the turd is the least of my worries.

Of course, Daddy "suddenly" needed something downstairs. Likely brain bleach. Can't say I blame him.

Happy Friday to me! Nothing says you're fully inducted into parenthood like cleaning excrement from the spa tub on a Friday night. Bring on the Jack. Or Evan or box o'wine. And Vicodin. Possibly Xanax. Mixing those will surely cause a blackout of this memory, right?

No more bottles:(

So the twins have been using sippy cups for weeks now, but today I actually packed the bottles away. I'm sad!! Knowing I will never have an itty bitty baby again is very bittersweet. (Yes, I know none of my kids were really itty bitty, but still!)

I also realized all three are as independent as a hog on ice. Where did my babies go? And who are these rotten, button pushing, boundary-testing children that have invaded my space? I need a rewind button or a time machine. They are getting too big and too sassy, too fast. Hold your babies close and kiss them extra tonight, because tomorrow they will poot in your bed and rub toothpaste on your clean gown. Well, at least that's what mine do. Which makes me wonder how people with UNPLANNED children even get out of bed in the mornings. My three were very planned and some days I wish for sickness just to sleep in for an extra hour. At least that was my thought this morning. Obviously, it didn't work. Maybe next week.

He puked...

That was Big's answer to why there were crushed crackers all over my bathroom floor. The "he" in this case is the rubber alligator that we bought for 2.99 at the Alligator Farm in Hot Springs last summer. Apparently Big has been feeding him crackers. His belly is hollow and will hold what appears to be 1/2 of a sleeve of Ritz. Sadly, he can't keep his food down, especially when Big flips him upside down over my bathroom rug. Lovely.

After he lost his crackers, Big fed him two green grapes and took him to bed. Please let me remember to remove those grapes before they turn into prison wine.

Speaking of wine, Big accidentally took a Drink of mine last night. Thankfully he was not a fan and yelled, "GOSS, Mommy!" It's rotten!" Then he proceeded to use my shirt to wipe his tongue off for about two minutes. At least I know if I forget to empty the gator, Big won't be sneaking drinks of the brew. It's the little things that help me sleep at night. Or maybe it's the wine... Either way, CHEERS!

My day livin' on the edge.

When I left the house today, my gas light came on. No biggie, right, because I was driving the Honda and that sucker can go for 35 miles on a gallon. Thank the Heavens because I ended up eeking out every mile.

I not-so-smartly decided to get gas on the way home after work instead of first thing on the frigid morning. So, this afternoon, I pulled into the gas station, popped the tank, and went to pay. Then, holy friggen hell, I couldn't find my wallet. I searched every inch of the car and my pockets for loose change, and none was to be found. We had cleaned the car out a few weeks ago. Lovely. I took my purse in the other car yesterday. I didn't retrieve it this morning. Feck!

Then, wahoo! I found Mom's old check card in the console. It says it doesn't expire until the end if this month. I was saved! Nope. DECLINED. Apparently once you use a new card, the old one no longer works. Ahhhhh! No money, no gas, so I called the Hubs. Thankfully he was close to our house and not in a neighboring state ( like usual) and could meet me at another station. I has visions of pan-handling until he answered the phone. It wasn't pretty. I was dirty and searching for cardboard and a sharpie.

I have never squinched my butt so much in nervous anticipation as I did every time I got to gas burning stoplight on red. There are entirely TOO MANY between my work and home.

Needless to say, I'll be doing a wallet check before driving out of my yard from now on. I also plan to replenish my emergency money stash.

If I had been in the gas guzzling Yukon,I would have been screwed... And pissed. That likely would have been a much saucier blog, though. It's okay, I know you just thought bad Karma for my next post. Uh huh.

Hilarity, as spoken by Big.

Big turned three on New Year's Day. He is a very funny child. He was a "later than his speech therapist Mommy wanted" talker... But hasn't taken a breath since. This is a quip of his ramblings from today:

Upon making the mistake of turning on his fish tank light, "Mommy! Turn that light off, they're trying to get some sleep!" Alrighty then.

Upon Nana purchasing him a new flashlight, "I can't wait to flash Daddy!" (Yep.)

Following consumption of about a dozen broccoli tops, "I hate broccoli! It tastes like Toad Frogs! It's Gross!!" Nope, we don't serve toad frog at our house. He must have gotten it at my sister's house!

After a clerk told him he had beautiful hair and asked if she could have his curls, "I get that all the time... and you should ask Santa." Yes, he's still stuck on Santa.

In between wrestling with Middle and Little, "Little's butt stinks. Shew-ee. I think you should change it." He's our first line of defense when it comes to sniffing out poop bombs.

And this leaves me wondering if our house is haunted..."Mommy, all my friends are coming over tonight. They have to see my new bed, and play pirates and eat and open presents and sleep in my bed." My questions, "do they wanna dance?" And of course, "do they wanna party?" He says yes to both. We miiiiight have the spirit of Hank hanging out in his closet. I'll let you know if I hear anything tonight.

Hoarders, the truth about toys.

My children, with the help of their Nana, are borderline hoarders. Toy hoarders. Our playroom looks like the back room of KayBee Toys had a love child with a yard sale 25 cent tarp toy box. OY. We have wheel less cars, gnawed on wooden puzzles and sticky frogs, galore. I think they are all trash. Big thinks they are all equal to golden doubloons. Nana has an emotional attachment... To every single action-figure-less leg, every hot wheel has been and every lint-covered, sticky frog.

Cleaning the toy pit with Nana there is like trashing the last heroin hit needle near a junkie. It starts with defensive chatter, compromises, flat out pulling from the bag and then full-on, TV quality, guilt trips. Fun times.

I waited until Big was napping and got to work. I SHOULD have waited until Nana was gone or napping, too. I know better for future purges. One large sale box and a trash bag later, we still have a billion times more than a typical family, but according to Nana, they LOVE every broken toy in the bag. Does anyone have the address for broken and misfit toys? That might make her feel better if I promise to send them there.

Movin' on up...

Big has been really great at sleeping in his toddler bed. He thinks the small safety rail is a force field that won't allow him out of the bed, which is parenting GREATNESS.

The is great, except for the part that baby mattresses are expensive bedrock, made to freak parents out over things like---is it hard enough, soft enough, rectangle enough, yadda yadda. Well, since Big is waking so often during the night now, I'm thinking it might be due to sleeping on a cement block. We've decided to move in the full sized mattresses to see if comfort lulls him into a more peaceful sleep. Please, sweet baby Jesus, let it work.

We tried it at nap today and he first thought we had gifted him a super cool bouncy house:-/. Um, not so much. After many stern "we do not jump in the big boy bed" warnings, he finally fell asleep and slept well. Should be an interesting night... Who wants to wager a bet on how many times he tests his boundaries? Heck, I've already put 20 bucks on us needing to repair a toddler-head sized hole in the sheet rock by mid week.

Yo, Mr.Sandman, visit my freakin' kid! Thanks.

Wait!!

I went out and forgot to post. Is it too late to say I've blogged every day?!

Tonight we rest...

That hopefully means every person in our house. If this doesn't happen, I will go full on catatonic and this blog will cease to exist. You'll know if you check in tomorrow night and there is no new post... Please either drop by and check the lawn for roaming children, or call the newspaper because the first real life zombie will be attempting a to access this blog account. The post will likely be incoherent and not policed for grammar and punctuation, so it may not initially look any different for the previous ones I've written. Hmmm, that wasn't helpful in the least. Guess local readers will have to check the gypsy caravans in person to know the fate of my brood and sleep-deprived human body.

Wise words from the father.

"He's gonna get a girl pregnant first." True words spoken by the father about Middle. See, Middle is a thruster. He likes to get on top of things and do the hippy-hippy shake. When he gets tired, he molests his blanket and does hip thrust-ercises. He loves to get on a knee and be bounced NON-STOP.

Fun times are to be had in our household. Nana swears that Middle has seen Marmaduke the Pomeranian make sweet love to his stuffed rabbit one too many times. This is a possibility, because Dukie is not smart and we are going to have stuffed purple rabberanians if he has any say.

I hope that Middle outgrows his love of all things hip thrusty, but if not, I guess we will just have the safe sex talk REALLY EARLY.

We've created a technology monster:(

I hate the fact that my children are born in the age of technology. Yes, I know that there are a bazillion positives to this, but the need and dependance on devices makes me sad. Big has my first generation iPhone. He knows how to play games and watch videos of Handy Manny on youTube. This is my fault. We use phones for EVERYTHING and can't put them down. It's an admitted sickness. Big wants a YouTube video streaming 24/7.

I don't want to be that parent, so tonight, I implemented low tech dinners 2013 at our house. We have decided that from the minute we step foot in the house after work until we go to bed, phones are for important calls only.

Our kids deserve ALL of our attention and we expect the same. I figure games and emails can wait because the kids grow up way too fast. Big is currently have a bawling fit because he wants Handy Manny on his phone. We are all being punished until this phase is over. I know I won't regret it, and we will be a better family because of my MEAN new rule;) At least that's what I keep repeating as Big screams helter skelter over the monitor.

Maybe we should catch lizards and tie match boxes to their butts like Nana remembers! Oh what fun!

Chef is at it again.

Big is crafty. By crafty, I mean into everything forbidden and fast as a greased pig when he is doing something that he isn't supposed to be doing.

Nana went to take Middle and Little to their nap. In that short -up the stairs and get situated time frame-, Big decided to get a stool, a bowl, a spoon, the raisin bran and a whole gallon of milk. See where this is going? Yep. He managed to get most of the cereal in the bowl... The milk, based on the retell from nana, was more miss than hit. He KNOWS this is naughty, yet he does it anyway. Geez, kid!! Please don't break your neck on Nana's watch because she will never hear then end of it, I mean, she will never forgive herself for it. Yeah. That's what I meant.

Big was very proud of his deed when I got home. Of course, I said, " don't spill it!", to which he replied,"I will!" I think he meant the opposite, but knowing his personality, he was likely just stating the obvious.

Don't leave eggs near a toddler, ever.

Big loves to help me in the kitchen.  Most days, he listens.  Most.  Today wasn't really one of those days.  He spent the majority of his "help mommy" time either in the fridge, grazing on anything within reach, or tryiong to sneak 50 fruit snacks..  I assume his tapeworm was famished after he refused to eat most of yesterday.  Anyway, I decided to make a quiche today, so we had the eggs on the counter.  Bog helped me mix it all up and I put it in the oven.  No worries... bwahaha.  When I turned around and Big has two eggs in his hands.  He looked at them so sad.  I said, "What's wrong?"  His answer, "Mommy, we have to take these back to the birds."  lmao.  He was so sincere in his concern that is was difficult not to laugh.

I told him that I would give them back later, so we should put them back in the carton.... that was where I went wrong.  He basically threw them back in and looked at me in total horror when they both cracked.  This is where I get Mommy of the year... I told him I would glue them back and give them to the birds after lunch.  Amazingly... when I showed him two eggs a few hours later, he didn't give me the stinkeye of disbelief.  He told me I was a good fixer, even better than Daddy.  (this is true).  We also all enjoyed the quiche, which was even better with the two extra eggs thrown into the mix!  Now tomorrow, I will take the two (boiled) eggs with me, so I can stop by a farm and put them back.  Big even put them with my purse so that I wouldn't forget.  I must be doing something right to have a budding vegan on my hands... or a creepy bird activist, it could really go either way at this point.  The problem is that I'm not sure which I would prefer.

Chili dogs, not my brightest moment.

We need groceries. I'd rather take a beating than go to Walmart on a Saturday afternoon... So we did the usual, and searched the back of the canned goods. You know, the few cans of randomness next to the jar of pimentos and stewed tomatoes, in front of the can of sauerkraut. We had cream of everything soup and chili. We have hot dogs. No buns. Eh, bunless chili dogs it is!!

If you've never fed a 1-year-old a chili dog, save yourself the mess and DON'T. Trust me on this one. They LOVED THEM. Or made love to them, based on all of the places where we found chili when trying to clean them off. If it were summer, it would have been "garden hose" fun. It's winter, they looked like I served chili bombs. Holy crap.

I will be saving future chili dogs to either A) date night when Nana cleans up, or B) when we can just chunk them in the pool and call it a country bath.

Mark this day in history...

My children have not barfed on, peed on, torn up, eaten, broken, jammed in a siblings eye, climbed higher than the door frame, flushed, pooped on, or stuck their finger in, anything inappropriate today. Well, they likely did a few of the above, but neither myself, nor Nana witnessed the event.

I'm anxiously awaiting Publisher's Clearing House because it's been that strange of a day. Cue twilight zone music, call the Mayan calendar weirdos and alert the news, this house must have been abducted by aliens, put into a military mind study or worse, they're all getting sick... Because this isn't our normal. Days like this SCARE me.

The *almost* 5K undies...

Big has never really had much interest in playing in the potty. We've never had a "he flushed WHAT?!" moment, until today.

Thank the Heavens that Big was wearing a larger 4T sized pair of Mickey Mouse undies and not the skimpier, speedo fit McQueen ones that he prefers. That extra 1/4 inch of fabric saved us from a RotoRooter nightmare. The teensiest piece of Mickey's red pants was all that was visible when I noticed that there was something odd in the bottom of the toilet. Had it not been bright red, there's no way we would have noticed that Big thought flushing his undies was an easier option that walking TWO EFFING FEET to the laundry room to drop them in the washer.

OMG. Can you even imagine the drama that would have ensued had he actually managed to fully flush them?!?!

When asked why he did it, he answered, "I couldn't find the laundry room". Um, kid, that's the darnedest thing, because if I recall, it's ALWAYS been next to that bathroom for %^#$'s sake!! It took all of my strength and court TV rationale to not murder Big. His only redemption was choosing the bright undies to flush... Because if he'd managed to flush a light pair, I'm thinking that a port-a-john for his very own use would be in his immediate future. If we painted it green like the porch, it would blend in, right? Then he could throw anything he wanted in the hole, and I wouldn't have to worry about explaining my actions to Judge Judy.

Thursday night booze. Sign me up.

About 9 months...

That's my favorite answer to give when people ask me my favorite question: "how long did it take you to curl their hair?!" Come on, people!! They're boys. I have three. Their hair is curly. It's not a perm. Yes, it's natural curl. Yes, they get it from me. Yes, they would make pretty girls. Yes, I get asked these questions on pretty much every outing. At first I thought people were socially ignorant, now I know they just can't control themselves when they see a double stroller and curls.

Here are the other answers to the burning questions that we are asked frequently.
-Yes, the younger two are twins.
-No, they big one is not a twin, nor their triplet.
-Yes, they're natural. They're sure as hell not artificial.
-Yes, we did fertility treatments.
-Yes, twins run in my family... Both literally run around everywhere and crop up in higher than average numbers.
-Yes, we know what typically causes twins/babies, sex, right?! See above, we still needed help.
-Yes, I planned/hoped/prayed for them to be close in age.
-I'm glad they're mine and not yours,too.
-You don't need to pray for me or "bless my heart", it's blessed every day by my kids!
-Yes, they're a lot of work, and a lot of love.
-I gained 11 pounds during my pregnancy.
-They were c-section, at 38weeks, 4 days. -They weighed 7.2lbs EACH.
-They're both twins.
-Yes, they look different.
-No, they're not identical.
-Yes, we can tell them apart.


SIGH. I feel better now. What ridiculous questions have YOU been asked??!!

Clifford needs put down.

Clifford the Big Red Dog might be the worst, and most mind-numbing children's series ever. How in the world did such a lame-ass story line get published in the first place? We have a "Where is Clifford" book. I think the twins mastered it at 34 weeks gestation. The book feels like it's 3400 pages when I'm reading it to Big. In reality it's maybe 10. Each page is a "here is the blah, here is the blah, where is The Big Red Dog?" The ENTIRE picture is a big red dog. Additionally, Emily Elizabeth is a whiney child that does not get me, er, Big, excited in any way. He doesn't like me to read her lines, and since it shortens the hideous book, I'm all about ignoring her.

For previous life debauchery punishment, the powers that be decided it would be funny for Big to like these cartoons even more than the books. The are friggen THIRTY MINUTES. GAHHHHHH! I think most children's books/cartoons are cute or at least I can see why a publisher took a chance, but the Clifford books and cartoons... Nope. Pure torture. Picking one to read or watch is like choosing to have dog shit on your right versus left shoe. Either way, it's going to stink until you manage to get rid of it. I'd love to go back and kick the pregnant me square in the ass for buying one of the damn books in the first place without reading. Anyway, to any of my family/friends that are reading this, if you give Big or Middle or Little, a Clifford book--- expect it returned to you, on fire, on your porch... After I clean off my right shoe.

Butt Cream and Sudafed

Why is the "good" diaper cream so friggen expensive? Seriously, the kind we use is only available at the pharmacy, behind the counter next to the meth-head sudafed. WTF? I stood in line today right behind Mr. Sniffles. I knew that he really had a cold when he kept wiping his nose nervously with his sleeve, requested the sudafed, and asked how many he could get at once because, "I'm really sick". Sure, Buddy. No denying that!

Once it was my turn, I requested the high-dollar butt cream, fully expecting to be robbed walking away... Because let's face it, anyone willing to pay as much as I did for a tub THAT small must be loaded, or desperate. Sadly, I was the latter. Middle has an angry hiney:(

Middle wasn't nearly as impressed with my purchase as I was because it meant that he had to endure yet ANOTHER change. Good thing he's cuter and more loving when he isn't sporting baboon ass, otherwise, I could have bought an ounce of saffron, 3 rare truffles, or heck, maybe some sudafed, just to fit in with the other desperate people at the WM pharmacy.

Sure kid, ask Santa.

Big has now decided that since Santa came through with a pirate ship, a submarine AND a Lightning McQueen car, he is the man to ask for basically anything. For example, Big sees a commercial for a skateboard/bike, meant for preteens... Based on his logic of "I wooon't one!" that's reason enough for me to change out of my fancy Sunday PJ's and hit the stores. I'm thinking no.

I tell Big that he is not getting any more toys for a while and being the smart kid that he is, what was his reply, you ask?? "FINE!! I'll just ask Santa at the North Pole!!" Yep, that'll teach me to tell him no. He will go over my head and ask the real deal, the man who gets you exactly what you want, Santa Claus.

Pretty good logic for a 3-year-old, right? The only problem is that I think he may start a rebellion if I continue to refuse to take him to see Santa every.time.we.get.in.the.car. Seriously, how long will it take him to ditch the idea of Santa=(hero-moneybags-best gift giver evah!) and go back to "Mommy, I NEED that incredibly expensive and sharp throwing star!", followed by "um, not gonna happen, kiddo", which leads to a comic gold tantrum with fake tears and Maniac style dance moves?? I'm hoping not long because those fits are epic and his threats of Santa are now getting on MY nerves.

How old do you have to be for a traveling circus?

The littlest child (by one minute and 3/4 of an inch) is a climber extraordinaire. Little can hoist his thunderous leg up and over pretty much anything. He's Vegas Dance girl material, for sure. We have caught him on every push toy, the couch, the recliner, the train table and even standing IN his high chair. That little feat was accomplished in under three minutes by pushing a small piano to the Handy Manny workbench, to the high chair. His balance is AHHHMAZING. Little has been climbing onto pretty much anything stationary since before he mastered walking.

The hubs and I have moved things, rearranged furniture, banned perfectly good toys from the play room and he still manages to practice the high ropes at least daily. I'm thinking he would bring in a high dollar at a traveling circus. I mean , seriously, who wouldn't pay to see a Rollie Pollie, Cupie-Doll baby, climb the trapeze?? Crazy, shut-in people, maybe... but considering his cuteness, they might even scrape together the ticket money.

Our other option is less circus, more rodeo. We have been considering a goat stake in the playroom floor. Not to necessarily chain him, because that's totally inhumane and horrid treatment of children. Duh! We were thinking of using is as more of a tether. (Totally different, right?!!) You know, strap one of those cutesy monkey-leash back packs on him, affix the parent hold end to the tether, and Bam!! We have a much safer, yet not technically restrained, baby!! This is parenting genius, I tell you.

The only thing we need to decide is how to make the pole semipermanent and not damage the carpet. Oh, and I need to choose between the brown monkey leash and the blue spotted puppy leash... Decisions, decisions. Heck, maybe I'll splurge and buy both in case Big or Middle child needs a boundary, I mean safety, check.

Germs, wanna share?!

Someone asked me today how I keep the boy's cups and snacks separate, I literally LAUGHED OUT LOUD. Do people really do this? My boys have zero clue about "mine" and "yours". It's generally just "juice!", "milk!",yessss! They take crackers out of each other's mouths, daily.

They have all three shared a womb, bottles, cloth diapers and snot suckers. I'm pretty sure the swapping of spit and boogers won't kill them. I'm laughing at the fact that the lady I talked with was appalled! She has an only and that child likely has unicorn spit and teddy bear boogers. They can NOT be shared. Evah!

However, if your kid has normal snot, spit and run of the mill germs, you're welcome to come share them over crackers and a juice box, whichever you can steal from a twin first!

It's now known as a latrine.

The big child is potty training.  He is doing pretty darn spectacular in the no longer peeing his pants department... it's the aim that seems to be the problem.  We have started like most parents by having him sit on the potty and hold "peter pan" downward.  Pretty simple, right?  I thought so.... until Big learned that he can choose to point it in OTHER directions, as well.  Sigh.  He finds it very amusing.  He also loves to run around and scream, "I'm gonna pee on you like the potty!"  We are so proud.

I thought the remedy to this would be to introduce the "boys can pee standing up" idea.  Um, not so much.  Big now thinks he can use his fire hose to sprinkle where ever he feels like it.  He went all by himself today, yeah! we thought, but then... Nana walked in there and it looked like we had played bathroom slipNslide, urine style.  Double awesome.  My formerly clean, pee-stain free bathroom is now a latrine... and headed toward the ways of *I need to borrow the key that is chained to a huge stick, gas station hole in the floor* restroom.  I need to hire a full time bathroom attendant just to clean up after the biggest child, and I am looking into infant boarding school for the littles when it comes time to potty train them.  I figure the cost of cleaning supplies and general workload would be very close to the cost of a potty training boarding school, right?  If anyone knows of a potty training pill or hypnotist, shoot me a message.  I mean, just so I know, not that I would actually hypnotize my child.  That's just crazy.

Shark Tank submission: Take 1

For those of you unfamiliar with Tractor Supply... it is a southern boy-child's crack store.  The biggest child yells "TAKAH SUPP-EYE", each and every time we pass.  It is the first store we see as we enter and exit our neighborhood.  Awesome.

What is so special about this store?  Well, the asshats that do their store set-up displays are childless, money-mongering whores.  How do I know this, you ask??  Well, they put their German engineered life-like barn and zoo animals right at the entrance so there is no way to hide them from your children.  These little beauties are priced for the common man, at you know, like, $6.99-$12.99... a PIECE!  A PIECE!!.  Did I mention that they are small enough to fit in the average female's palm?  Yep.  The big kid loves farm and zoo animals.  He wants them all.  Including the family of geese that are about the size of a cherry tomato and smaller, economically priced at 2.99-4.99 each. What.a.steal. 


So we have dozens of these, and they always come with a plastic-coated, teensy-tiny, bar code on the leg.  We *try* to remove them, but apparently one got by.... and was found by the middle child.

Middle child is well known around these parts as "anything I can reach and pick up, I will eat."  This makes for joyous diapers.  Diapers, that contain one 7.99 platypus bar code, covered in poo.  The tag was 100% intact.  Are these bar codes engineered by  the German version of NASA?  I need a cell phone case made out of these suckers.  I mean, if it can be eaten and passed ALLLLLLL the way through an infant's digestive system, it should be able to protect my iPhone from water in the pool, right??

I think I may be on to something.  I wonder if that Shark Tank show would accept my idea?  The iPOO protective case, b/c well, it will protect your phone from all kinds of shit.

He super-glued what?

Super-glue is evil.  I'm pretty sure it should be called human glue, because let's be honest it never seems to glue anything but my fingers together... or holy-shittingly, my son's freakin' eyelashes.

Wigga wigga whaaat?  Yes, I just typed that.  My 1 year old (who had a minor eye procedure about two weeks ago) managed to glue his eyelashes together today. Yep, same eye.  No, I am not the mother who gave her kid superglue as a "keep him busy for a second" toy.  (No need for CPS, more like Ripley's Believe it or Not.)

The oldest received a pirate ship for his third birthday.  That awesome piece of molded plastic has about 24 bazillion small, choke and/or lose worthy, pieces.  I had the bright idea to glue some of the more important pieces in place.  Smart, huh?  I know, genius!  Anyway, I happily glued all of those little suckers into place, and ignorantly assumed that he glue would DRY.  Stooopid!!  2.5-3 hours later, the little monsters woke from their nap.  Middle monster reached out and touched the pirate ship.  Then he knocked it over, cried a bit and walked away.  No worries, right? It sadly took me a minute or so to realize that the magic pirate ship had turned my otherwise normal child into a one-eyed pirate with a pissed off demeanor.  I actually did a double, hell, possibly a triple-take wondering why he had one eye squeezed shut.  Then it hit me... OMG, my small child has somehow managed to get superglue in his EYELASHES.  W.T.F.  I then looked at the pirate ship and realized that none of the glue was dry. It was just being held nice and gooey under all of those cute choke-sized pieces.  Middle child had snatched a flag, rubbed his eye, and VOILA!  Instant Pirate.  EFF ME. 

Now you might ask, how does one get superglue out of one-year-old eyelashes?  Baby oil on a wet wipe, small circular motion, and another adult holding the screaming infant while Mommy gets to try to use an eyelash brush to open the suckers without plucking them all out.  It worked.  His eye is no longer permanently patched.  The goo, I mean glue, has been removed from the premises and Mommy is very thankful that she didn't have to explain this entire fiasco to an ER DR with CPS on speed dial.

Welcome 2013.  Arrrrrrrgh, Matey.  Me be needin' some wine.